COVID-19 CDC Trends

I've learned a lot of great things this weekend. Not everyone should have access to Facebook live, Buzzfeed knows I'm over 40, and best of all, I can almost afford a new tiger. This work from home thing is really paying off in ways I never imagined. As of today's CDC numbers, everyone in the US will have either watched Tiger King OR contracted/recovered from Coronavirus by May 22nd. Pick your poison, I guess, but get it in now. 5.7 million of you may not have the chance to do so. That's quite a jump in mortality rates to 1.7% from 1.43%. You're up, Carole. Shout out to New Jersey, really stepping up their game with a 41% growth in cases in a single day. Guess all those spring breakers came home. I got super hopeful on our testing there for a moment. However, complete US testing has moved back to June 25th. So the virus grows at 15.82% per day, but testing grows at 9.4% per day. #HashtagWinning The White House, fresh off their “ratings hit" has re-negoti...

Opening Day has come and gone and you'll be happy to know that we have a 30-way tie for first! The Detroit Tigers are super stoked. Thanks to an old pal, I was informed yesterday that we officially moved past China for that Gold medal. Sure enough, the CDC reports 85,356 cases! That's four days faster than I predicted! Boy do I suck at this. He also noted his source was built by a 17-year old...in December. I sure hope our leaders' thumbs don't hurt from all that twiddling. But I'm not stopping this train, so break out McFadden & Whitehead's "Ain't No Stopping Us Now", and dust off that foam finger, because we are kicking some serious tail! If we keep this current growth rate of 15.73% per day up, stay-at-home orders should be lifted by May 23rd when there's no one left to infect in the US! We're under two months!  Once they do finally open up the ballparks, 4.5 million of us will be unable to attend due to that 1.46% mortality rate...

Welp! The White House has officially asked COVID-19 to wrap it up in just a few weeks, with the hopes of returning to complete normalcy by Easter Sunday. I hope those negotiations go well, because nothing says Easter like the annual White House Viral Scan and Easter Egg Hunt. I'm afraid the three-legged race may need to be cancelled, as the nostalgia just doesn't fly with a 6-foot rope. Thankfully, testing has ramped up to 29% growth per day, which means 3.4% of our nation should be tested by then. Good enough, right? We're still looking to capture 2nd place over Italy  in the great race for infection or recovery on or about 3/28. You'll be happy to know that while we were late to the party, we're currently top seed for active cases globally. Better late than never! Speaking of parties, I've tentatively moved my "No More COVID" party to May 25th, when it will be impossible to infect anyone else in these great states! That's a growth rate of 15....

Hello sports fan! We know you're not watching anything else! By now, you've surely read your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roomate's post from a nurse at Stanford about how to cure Coronavirus. While I'm sure it sounds SO valid, I'd really contemplate using this work from home time to do your own research on actual medical sites prior to drinking a gallon of lemon juice or sticking that industrial strength hair dry in your mouth. We are CRUSHING IT, and have officially moved into Bronze medal status with 33,404 cases! Take that Spain! My numbers track back to first detection in the US on 1/14 by the CDC. At the overall rate, we'll pass Italy on 3/28 (Saturday), and China on 3/30 (1 week!). The Corona games should be over for the US on May 28th with everyone infected or recovered. I'm pretty sure some of those super smart spring breakers have contributed, as the healthy immune systems have dropped our mortality rate to 1.2%. ...

Previously on Survivor:Corona!!! We have no idea how to divide the tribes at this point with 15,219 contestants. Tribal councils are lasting 18 hours, yet we're still getting 14.5% more contestants every day! Thankfully we're efficient, and getting right to the point by ending this one by June 2nd with the entire US population playing! We'll only have to go through 4.5 million tribal councils by the time everyone is infected or wins an immunity idol, which is 13.3% better odds than two days ago. To the 322,500,000 winners? We're splitting the usual $1,000,000 prize...$0.003 each! You've currently got a 0.017% chance of testing for this season, double the odds since Wednesday! Be sure to join us next week for previews of this summer's hottest TV: "Real Housewife of New Jersey", "Bachelor: Webcam Edition", and "The Amazing Toilet Paper Race".

Hello folks! Today I'm coming from the personal desk of Ken Holden, as the governor of the great state of Nevada has obligated my wife to stare at me for 30 days straight. Just like in the Olympics, USA has overtaken France for the #6 spot in the race for Coronavirus completion. In fact, we went so big, the CDC increased their case count 102% since Monday! If I were to just use these last couple of days, this would be over in 26 days. But hey, why rush it? The new growth rate since 1/14 is 13.61% per day and I'm stickin to that. Everyone will be infected or recovered by June 11th. Creeping on my birthday here...take your damn vitamins! I really hope you all join me for my end of COVID party on June 12th. Sadly, just under 5 million of you won't be able to if the current mortality rate pans out. This is a great moment to shout out all of our medical personnel who are kicking the shit out of this thing head on. Testing hasn't been updated for today. Hopefully beca...

Before I get started, any critical comments will be met with a funny fact. Give me my spreadsheets and stop freaking out. We'll be fine, and cooler heads will prevail, as they always have. #2 (no pun intended). You'll be happy to know that I have not contributed to the toilet paper shortage, not only by already having plenty of toilet paper long before this event, but by making every effort to hold it in to 1 poop a day. Boy, is that moment glorious. 'Merica!!! According to the CDC, the growth rate since 1/14 should have given us 2,291 cases this morning. But NOOOOOO! Not only was taking the under impossible with every sports book closed, we went big with 3,487 infected or recovered cases, bringing us a growth rate of 12.8% and to total US infection/recovery by June 20th! We're barely making it to summer! Which means we're almost there! It sounds to me like some healthier folks have decided to join the COVID party! We have pretty much halved our body bag requi...

Happy Friday, Y'all! This virus is YUUUUUUGE! I'm super proud to be a part of a country that has executed 13,624 specimen tests for COVID. Thanks to the Trump administration, I feel like we're super close to catching up to South Korea's 220,000 tests. Thankfully, we've got bigger scoreboards we can borrow, as every significant sporting event is cancelled to help us find our way to slowing the rate of growth and, inevitably, shrinking our infected population. Who would I be without my numbers! Our growth rate has increased by 5.6% to 12.03% per day! Today's 1,629 infected or recovered means we've advanced our way to total US infection by June 30th. Per a previous comment, parking is gonna be SOOOOO easy for those July 4th fireworks! There's an upside to everything. Tough loss for casket manufacturers, as our predicted body count has happily shrunk itself to just under 9.8 million. I hope they weren't capitalizing too early on demand. Also, I...

Mediocre news folks! I've decided to grab a single solitary source for numbers. Using the CDC website, total US infection (and recovered, of course) has been advanced to July 8th based on a daily growth of 11.39% between 1/14 and 3/11. So there's still time to get your swimsuits on! I'm happy to report that the current US mortality rate has dropped to around 3% keeping our numerically projected body count on July 8th to a modest 10.6 million. In even the slightest seriousness, the current numbers are way too small to correctly predict anything. Have a great hump day!

I love numbers. The first case of COVID in the US was on 1/20. The latest US count is 233. A that rate per day, everyone in the world will be infected by July 30th. Have a great day guys. PS... the international rate gives us until September 15th.